03.16-03.31 thoughts
In my depth of depressions
When i was younger and my dad left me
I lost my forever best friend
The one that was like my encyclopedia to me
Greater than any lecturers ever
He was really my best friend
We shared a lot of thoughts
On my early age
That was what makes me, a liliany today
I liked his state of mind, a lot
His style
His taste of music
The kenny rogers, beatles or jimmy hendrix he always talked abt, to me at that time, being a toddler and listen to that music almost everynight was very a pleasure in building my sense of good taste
His way when he smoked his cigarettes
His smile
His anything
The i dont care with yall & i dressed up fo my self kinda guy
One of a kind
A pretty man with a kind soul and generous heart
He was more than anything i’ve ever asked for to God
But then, he left
The greatest heartbreak in my life was that day the doctor said he was gone
Tortured heart and fragiled mind
God, you know i only wanted him to open his eyes and say sorry
Sorry for not being the nicest daughter ever to him, to declare that i dont deserve to be his descent
Instead of trying to be a better me or exceeding my passion
I was drown
Drown to deep
In an ocean of anxiety
And no one knows
I kept wonder why and how
Reckoning there must be something not okay and i clearly know that must be me that is not okai
Dark
It was dark
Idk who to talk
Who to share
Because my bestfriend had left
So i remained silent
And be the worst me
The worst version ever even i dont want to see me if i could
I used to write to express my feelings
I used to write & listen to my own words
And smoke
To heal the pain away
To smell the scent of our midnight talk ever again
Till i realized something that, i need more, writing wasn’t my thing any longer ever since then
And then i sketch
Skeleton and somewhat unpretty
To express my feelings..
And that feelings right, i was more happier when I sketched
But mom hated them
She torn em away
I dont blame her, my drawing was really hideous indeed
Dad
Do you miss me?
I used to write, sketch and smoke
But i stopped
Dad do u feel it?
I feel pain
A heavy pain
Theres much on my shoulder
Like the whole world is in there and everyone whipped me hard tell me to go there and anywhere
I bite my tongue
Tightly
So they cant hear me
Dad
If only you tell me how hard it is
Maybe i could prepare
Dad
I love you
Dad
Tell me im so much more than this like the old days
So i could stand up again and smash the tears away
Away
So far away as i could tell you how this heart has been well trained to be strong, all alone
Dad
I need you
Your twin,
Uni
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